“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”
“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, “Bill, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind man replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Remember … things aren’t always as they appear.
An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.
“I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day.”
“That is cool! What did she say?”
She said, “We will get back to you soon.”
A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close: “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles…
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
Woman customer in restaurant: “I’d like a margarita please.”
Waiter: “I’ll need to see your ID.”
Customer (giggling while showing her ID): “You think I look like a teenager?”
Waiter: “No. I thought you qualified for our senior citizen discount.”
I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.
“Sure,” he said, “but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”
“Try for more, but I will accept $20 each,” I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” I asked excitedly.
“Twenty dollars each.”
“Who bought them?”
“I did!”
marinebk 