A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they cried.

“I am,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”



Waiter!” shouted the furious diner. “How dare you serve me this! There’s a TWIG in my soup!”

“My apologies,” said the waiter. “I’ll inform the branch manager.”


The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”

The minister, of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”


A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“


Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

“Who do you want to play?” Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Chopin,” said Bruce. “I’ll play him.”

“And you, Sylvester?” asked Spielberg.

“Mozart’s the one for me!” said Sly.

“And what about you?” Spielberg asked Schwarzenegger.

He replied, “I’ll be Bach!”


The former President is disembarking his private plane, carrying his tiny dog.

One of his Secret Service men says, “Nice dog, sir.”

The President says, “Thanks, I got it for the former First Lady.”

The Secret Service man replies, “Nice trade, sir.”